Thursday, October 6, 2016

Airport Musings

The last two years - maybe more - has put me through the wringer. I have been forced to confront disappointments, insecurities, borderline financial crisis, loneliness and isolation. I have been through one meaningless relationship that went one step further in cementing my fear of being incapable of really connecting with another person and thus being alone forever. I have questioned my talent, my professional capabilities, my abilities to forge any kind of meaningful relationship. I have also forgiven others and myself a lot - so that’s one good thing. 

But right now, on my way to a much deserved break, I find myself sitting at an airport, hearing multiple languages being spoken around me as I sip wine and notice I haven’t uttered a word apart from ordering said wine… And I find that I’m scrambling to find an identity. Back home, my my biggest conceit is that I always have a story running through my head; fictional characters whose fate lies in my hands, so much more interesting than real people. At this moment, however, I’m hard-pressed to come up with anything remotely interesting. On the contrary, my thoughts revolve around how easy it would be to just start again - new place, new people, new job, new identity, new friends - a chance to reinvent everything I am and could be.

Barring a few exceptions, at this moment, I could disappear from my life and not miss a single thing. After so many years of living, I think that’s a terrible state of affairs.


Anonymous said...

The less you carry with you, the lighter you will be...

Forgive yourself some more, and move on. There's someone, something waiting for you, somewhere, to make a difference.

Enjoy your break, and if you do get by without talking more than the barely essential, consider yourself lucky and blessed.

Have fun!

shoeshine said...

Damn I wish I cound find the right words to make you feel better, but I can't. Perhaps just that even though I don't really know you, I get excited when I get a message in my inbox that there is a new post from "searcher". You might feel lost in your life because you haven't found "happiness", a place, a satisfactory identity, the right guy... but you touch people with your words because they relate. Each in their own way. I relate. And I wish I could say the right words to make you feel better. Don't give up on what you are and have, maybe look at it from a different angle.
Be well, Michele

Searcher said...

Thank you shoeshine and Anon... I really appreciate the kind words. And you have made me feel better. On the flip side, I've been walking a lot, exploring parts of this city and revisiting my feelings of it. It's therapeutic. I think deep down I was just exhausted, running on empty for too long. I'm getting better with every passing minute. Hugs to you both! <3