There is a common saying: If something's present in your life, it's because you brought it there, to learn something from it. If the same thing persists in your life, it just means you haven't learnt your lesson.
Keeping this thought in mind, i sat back and took a long hard look at my life. I find that as i've grown older, i've lost my ability to focus on the prize, quite happy to let Life have its way with me however it wants to. I marvel at the clarity of thought i used to have, my understanding of right and wrong, what is ok and what should not be tolerated, and i crave some of that again.
So... in a probably misguided step, i've decided to attempt being the person i was 15 years ago. And to do that, i have resolved to undertake a few things -
1) Get rid of the deadwood in my life. Deadwood is people / jobs / life situations that offer nothing but instead manage to suck me dry. Be ruthless.
2) Lose weight. This has been driving me wild - i'm 10 pounds overweight which really isn't much. But when i look in the mirror i see a humungous giant. I realise that my self-image needs recalibration, but until that happens, the gym and starvation it is.
3) A friend told me recently, "as long as you keep saying that you are okay with 'just sex', that's all you're gonna get. Say you want more, and immediately you'll see hordes of people just disappearing, and the ones who don't.. they're the ones you wanna keep. It will make you lonely, but it'll keep you unhurt." I'm gonna take her advice. No sex.
4) Finish off the basic structure of my stories BEFORE someone wants to buy them. It's always better to put my easy periods to better use than watching sitcoms.
5) Go to live music nights alone if i can't get a group to come along. Gotta do what you wanna do. It's the only way to happiness i've been told. It's scary... but then, gotta face your fears!
6) Keep expectations to a minimum.
Maybe this will help. Maybe it won't. I'll try anything.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
She was 3 weeks old. Maybe she was the one who was supposed to be mine. I want to be able to feel something for that life, the life that wasn't. What did her existence mean, if it had to end in 3 weeks? Was there a purpose to the whole exercise? Why did she show up? And why did she have to leave? And i felt nothing except a mild discomfort. I look at the sky and think... if she was one born still... would that make me the walking dead?